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The Future 
  thatsmyzarf
 
08:07am 29/01/2011
  LOOK: THINGS TO DOWLODNA

http://www.mediafire.com/?9998bcek4amex

WHY is FOURTH GRADE SECURITY RISK giving away all these free albums?!!!? HAVE I GONE MAD?! Have I GOT IT MADE?!?

NEITHER OF THESE.

FGSR has a new policy, that preservation of all musics for free download to the interwebs will lead to wider distribution and, eventually, BEING CATALOGED ABOARD THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.

Why worry about making a few cents on digital downloads which do not really set me back anything since you are not taking the actual CD's that I burnt with the artwork that I printed and stealing it from me without paying for it because you probably wouldn't have purchased it otherwise? THAT IS ALL BALLS IN THE WIND. What is important is to know that at any moment JEAN LUC PICARD could say "COMPUTAH. PLAY ARTIST: FOURTH GRADE SECURITY RISK" and then BREAK HIS DICK OF.

LADIES AND GENITALS OF THE JURY, I do not want to think of a future where JEAN LUC PACKARD cannot spontaneously BREAK A DICK OFF.

Thank you.
 
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One Day I Did This 
  thatsmyzarf
 
11:05pm 26/02/2009
  Hello Face-Journal.
Here is a FGSR Fan Art.



It shows lots of things from FGSR songs and albums. Try to find out what all the references are!
Hint: Here are all the references I can place:
*In the sky there is a dragon, a reference to the Iron Mountain prophecies. An Iron Mountain is also present, central along the horizon. A comet rains down from the sky, as well.
*Flying Fish are also in the sky, as mentioned in FF=Flyin' Fish.
*There is a forest in the background. What forest? Why the magical forest, from the Unicorn Song. The Unicorn himself peers out from behind a chuck-wagon.
*Rhinos are arriving upon the horizon, and prairie dogs are also present, from Take It to the Zoo.
*At the edge of the magical forest lies a tree that is shaped like a brain, the Brain Tree from Dead Ham.
*A critter is sitting on the branch of the tree that is nearest to the viewer. That creature is the Grypton's McNommit.
*Very near the Grypton's McNommit, a little bird flies away.
*Next to that little bird, on top of the chuck-wagon, sits an Archaeopteryx.
*A sign indicates that the shore on the left background is indeed part of the DeSotian Ocean.
*A ninja with tentacles, as mentioned in PG-13, lies stealthily poised underneath the McNommit's branch.
*Dracula is there, having a potato.
*Plastic Man, the Man of India Rubber! is poking his head through the covered wagon.
*The covered wagon alludes both to the Oregon Trail theme of the Hank Yoast album and also the individual Oregon Tale track.
*A cow eats its own poop, courtesy of More Truth About Cows.
*A man is "Clappin'" with his hands on a sammich.
*Ian Malcolm watches him in disapproval. Malcolm has appeared in the Chaotician, the Chaotician Millennium Mix, and the Dinosaur Tracks secret track.
*Two Jesus's sit pointing at eachother, asking What Jesus Would Do (WJWD)(parenthesis reversed from original track title).
*A check for the amount of "sixty figure" breezes past, this sum being what Busta Kapp purports to make in the track Harrison Ford.
*A discarded container of snuff sits ruggedly on the land, probably having been consumed by a port-man (of Port Man's Lament famestitude).
*An Ankylosaur stands proudly, central to the piece. Observe how no one dares mess with him. (Between the Hammer and the Ankylosaur)
*The Ankylosaur is listening to an iPod Shuffle.
*There is a bear, he is taking orders, because bears are the waiter at the bear cafe.
*The bears apron warns "beware of pubes", as the singer of FF=Flyin' fish wishes to be a hairy bear with pubic hair.
*Spiderman is there, showing us the bulge of his own Spiderman, from (Let Me See Your) Spiderman. He is counting money, so far as I know this is because Spiderman was released both on an album and as a single, and the only purpose of releasing a single is to milk a song for extra cash value.
*Spiderman has a boner which you can see through his suit, he is thinking of a Bat-symbol. HE IS LITERALLY HOT FOR BATMAN. And now it occurs to me that I have never worried about legal issues in my use of Batman's name while I have gone to great lengths to assure that my Spiderman is without a hyphen.
*I am there. I'm Not Wearing Pants.
*In addition to not wearing pants, I also have no penis.
*I am making out with a Hypsilophodon, this is upsetting multiple people whom I have proclaimed love for.
*A mexican is upset by my man-on-beast affair. I have proclaimed affection for Mexicans in The Mexican Love Theme, Main Theme, and Main Theme Reprised. He must find this particularly insulting.
*An Impregnated Sarah Polley shakes her fist at my dino-love.
*The Wasp is not quite sure what to make of my beastial cravings, after I so sincerely wooed her in "Janet".
*The Hypsilophodon itself is holding a bag of Sun Chips, a central topic to Harrison Ford.
*There is a Chameleon. The chameleon both bearing the name of an album, and serving a key role in Take It to the Zoo.
*A squished eye-ball has bugs crawling around on it, renovating it so that it shall become THE BEST NEST IN THE WEST
*THERE IS A AX AND A WOOD. For the Wood Chopper in all of us.
*The remote to my lawn is on the lawn, the DEMON LAWN.
*The tanning lotion which we should bring to the DeSotian ocean is just behind the grocery bag.
*It is a grocery bag filled with corn, a paper bag filled by Corn Eatin' Awesome Robb On Tha Cobb.
*A slug is there, but it is not the slug from slug sundae, oh no, Friedrich looks quite different than this slug. Alas! This is an Enormous Slug w/Fear/Fur in It's Teeth! which were reversedly sung about in "Forgotten".
*The grocery bag bears the commandment that "Thou Shalt Not Get Beat By Thine Own Son". I would drive a good hour+ to shop at that grocery store. It is indeed Sinful, to get beat by ones own son.

IF I HAVE MISSED ANY THING YOU CAN PWN ME
 
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Ween "La Cucaracha" live stream 
  rounderrecords
 
12:55pm 16/10/2007
   Hey everyone,

Ween's new album "La Cucaracha" is now available as a live stream at:  myspace.com/ween

Check it out!
 
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Things I Learned While On a Farm... 
  thatsmyzarf
 
01:07pm 17/09/2007
  I have nintendoed to write a blaugh about this years Farm Party from a band perspective ever since it happened of course. But I came to a realization about what I would be writing. What I would be writing is less cool than what I wrote last time.
It was a fun time, DON'T GET ME WRONG. Sleep deprived and unbathed I really didn't feel like going on when I went on, I thought I would be fine going home empty handed. But the partiers were so demanding. When are you going on! We want you to go on! (People are saying this to me?)
I had originally wanted to do two sets, one per day, but hadn't practiced very much. I made two setlists but in the end threw them out because they lacked flow and practice. Ultimately, I saw the energy and restlessness of the crowd and decided I didn't want to chance loosing that too much and kept to all the high energy stuff like SexyAway and Spiderman and Fucked By a Stranger and PG13. I did play things like the Unicorn Song which are kind of live staples but not very dancey and I think that was my worst choice/performance of the night. But all in all I didn't really draw out the set with any of those things I enjoy that other people might not. Unless they just don't enjoy the whole thing which I wholeheartedly understand.
The message is clear: If I am to succeed at this thing I do, I must do my best Dan Deacon impression. The kids won't accept anything else.
I played, for my first time live, some approximation of Ain't No Body Like Yo Body, and it went over well. I don't know why I've never played it live before, it's easy enough to do, and fun enough to hear that it should be put into regular live rotation. The problem before was that I never had any feedback on it, I always felt like people passed it up in favor of other standout tracks from Indigestible. But then, Robb On the Cobb was a late bloomer, too, and bringing that to a live setting has been refreshing after SpidermanSpidermanSpiderman. So all this time later Justin says to me "hey you know what song of yours I just heard for the first time ever? Ain't No Body Like Yo Body. You should play it live." I...should? Yeah! I should! So I listened to it, figured out the keyboard settings and the notes all over again, and here it is.
I did a round of Break Ya Dick and by the end did a Break Ya Dick reprise just to close things off. I did kinda wonder if any of the people who were there were there last year when, in that same room, Break Ya Dick was born. 'Cause I carry on that song for those people and it's for them to enjoy. And for everyone else to enjoy too but for the kids that were yelling it out last year more-so.

But in addition to the FGSR stuff I also put on a set with my pal Justin as the Natalie Portmen and this experience I think involved the highest level of self-discovery. What I learned is: I like the Natalie Portmen and I need to do it more. We set up outside on a truck-bed and I don't think Justin was aware of the level of adapting and extending I had to do to the electric supplies in order to be able to get us going. He kept coming over and asking "is it ready yet" while I'm chasing extension cords that slipped out of my hand from being to taut hoping not to loose site of them in the dark. Once we ultimately got going, which only two people knew we were going to do, we played to an apparently apathetic fluctuating amount of people who frequently stopped by to inquire just what in the hell we were doing. Afterwards three people said they enjoyed it. I myself, enjoyed it a lot. It was cool that I could let Justin go and do his own thing and then just twiddle around retardedly on my keyboard and it didn't take away from the experience any, or I could increase or drop the speed of the beats and Justin's input would adapt. I stayed in my comfort zone playing with the things I'd already programmed and tweaking them at my knob-twisting best, and I also ventured out, constructing new beats, adding more, taking away, layering with effects.
When the Natalie Portmen played our set a year+ ago at the Stolen Heart Cabaret, I made it totally suck by thinking I had to do anything any certain way. The constructed stuff was okay, but the freeform part in the middle, I didn't have faith in my own spontaneity, so it was a total ass-fest. But now that I've seen what it's like to really let loose and go with whatever happens, I see a bright new future for The Natty Po's.
 
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Harrison Floored 
  thatsmyzarf
 
07:44am 19/11/2006
 
mood: nervous
Personally, I don't know how I feel about having reconstructed a new version of Harrison Ford. I've been at odds with that song since the day I created it, the original that is. Harrison Ford for many years has been my shame. It, at one point in time, was a clever, funny, well timed song. But due to the method by which it was recorded I knew I would never be able to repeat the performance.
HERE IS WHY for those curious.
Harrison Ford has three identifiable portions, verses, choruses, and the What It Is Right Now bit. The verses and choruses were each played using my original keyboards drum settings, arpeggios, and bass chords. The conflict, both for the verses and the choruses, was that the beat, tempo, chords, and other lesser noticable elements changed distinctly between parts. I recorded each part seperately, and then strung them together.
As much as I hear that I need to take less time setting things up at my shows, as the guy who knows what my equipment does, it's rather contradictory that just as strongly I hear people demanding that I play Harrison Ford. Switching settings between songs tries your patience? How bout I switch 'em between verses and choruses. I'm sure that would be rockin'.

So now, for years after it's original inception, I have sequenced what I consider to be the mutant god-child of Harrison Ford. It's structurally similar, the words fit with it, if you use your imagination it kinds resembles the original.
I was worried about how the listeners would take to the change, if it would be accepted to take up the mantle from the original, unplayable tune.
Thankfully Josh, probably one of the stronger advocates for Harrison Ford being brought into the live fold, has given me preliminary good feedback on the new version. This gives me hope that it may yet still thrill listeners in the live atmosphere, even if by this point a more-or-less parody-of-sorts of a song that was released four years previously is totally pop-culturally irrelevant.

But the one question which remains is: do I like the song?
Do I even care any more? This song has been plaguing me, haunting me, ever since I created it. I couldn't love it in the sense that I could love songs I knew I could in some form or another replicate live, or songs that I would never begin to want to play live. Harrison Ford has suffered a detatchment which the rest of my library has never had to experience. Even as I was sequencing and singing along to the newly recorded mutant god-child, I wasn't sure what my own opinion on the matter was.
I'll tell you this though; I felt rather posessed to do it, and I'd say I gave it my all. Even if my 'all' is only the equivalent of other peoples 'most'. I've been spending a lot of time with my sequencer this past week, backing stuff up (which I'd not done for over a year much to my surprise!), making lots of new sounding things, and Harrison Fording. I went back and checked several times, singing along with it before recording anything just to make sure the parts were where they needed to be, make sure I included enough measures for the choruses, making it all nice and smoothed out. I recorded the vocals several times until I came up with one I liked. So I'm not going to let myself be told that I wasn't deticated to this. It's just that through all that detication I am not sure that there was love.
It feels like a child has returned, one whom I as a father have not seen for over a decade. I am not sure how to welcome it. I wish I could love it, accept it, greet it with enthusiasm, but there's so much hurt feelings, years of backstabbing, of flinching at the mention of it's name.

So everybody I've gotta ask, before you go yelling out for Harrison Ford, just... give me time to heal.
 
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I have a theory... 
  thatsmyzarf
 
08:33am 26/09/2006
 
mood: exanimate
At the party, everyone who left while I was playing songs probably felt that my art was too vaginal.
 
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"Humility can be bouyant" 
  thatsmyzarf
 
10:48am 24/09/2006
  Drunk and unprepared, the Risk ain't makin' friends.
-Ancient Chinese Proverb

"I sure know how to clear a room!"
 
     Post
 
Farm Party, break your dick off! 
  thatsmyzarf
 
08:32pm 27/08/2006
 
mood: Snakes expand.
I played a show at a party an hour outside of Richmond, and three hours from where I lived. I hadn't played publicly/in front of people in the better part of a year. I crammed on Friday, brushing up on everything I wanted to play, then running through it all again in sequence. At the party I played just about everything I had practiced.
I played for roughly an exact hour. Roughly exactly. It was in a format with three phases; introductory tracks, Dinosaur Tracks, and the hits.
The Dinosaur Tracks seemed to generate the greatest response and interaction. There were two sets of people enjoying my music: the sober people appreciating the content, and the drunker people having fun with the attitude. The drunker rowdier but still lovable show-observers had their own song "(Insert word) break your dick off!". Refered to me as "Charm city, break you dick off!" and throughout the dinosaur tracks they had fun with "pterodactyl, break your dick off" and "stegosaurus, break your dick off!" and I let them go at it, noodling along on my keyboards for encouragement. They were having fun and I think they were all glad that I was singing songs about Dinosaurs. Wouldn't you be?
I almost blacked out during PG-13. All the screaming cut down on the flow of oxygen. But a little sacrifice went a long way, at the end of the set I had requests for a reprise of "that song about the ninjas who have tentacles". Awesome.
It was a really good crowd response, and more people were listening and even watching than I was aware of from inside the little room where I had set up.
The place was a fuckin' site, too. A dillapidated old farmhouse, warped, peeling wood floorboards. I'm glad the electricity held up for everything we had going on.
There was another band that played, one whom I've already typed about. He was another one man kinda guy, both drumming, playing guitar and screeming/singing at the same time. They were called Gull. Like Lightning Bolt but with half the people. I do hope to run into them again.
It's about time for me to catch up on an entire nights worth of sleep.
See you on the world tour,
-Todd
 
     Post
 
Beating a dead spider... 
  thatsmyzarf
 
08:23pm 25/07/2006
 
mood: nervous
Well.
I've gone and done it.
I've offered up my soul to the devil.
 
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Hi, My name is Robert Timdreff and you have offended me. 
  thatsmyzarf
 
02:49pm 07/04/2006
 
mood: anxious

Here is a nice piece of fan mail I got today:



Would you care to explain this crap to me? My name is Hank yoast and my 11 yr old daughter went on the web to do a family research study for her class at school and did a wide search for the name YOAST and this shit popped up on the screen.. It is just so nice to see someone making fun of my family name on the internet i am sure my family in Germany will really get a kick out of it. My cousins in Oregon and Colorado already have. They are just as pissed as I am.

"Cranny Timdreff Helpline
Ezmerelda: Excuse me, but my cranny timdreff needs to purb maischod billiobling, or else it won't be able to yoast foani dammit.
Yoast foani dammit yoast.
Foani dammit yoast foani.
Dammit yoast foani dammit.
Yoast foani dammit yoast.
Foani dammit yoast foani.
Dammit yoast foani dammit.
Yoast foani dammit yoast.
Foani dammit yoast foani.
Dammit yoast foani dammit.
Yoast foani dammit yoast.
Foani dammit yoast foani.
Dammit yoast foani dammit.
Cranny, cranny timdreff.
Cranny, cranny timdreff.
Timdreff, timdreff cranny cranny cranny cranny.
Cranny cranny timdreff timdreff cranny crann.
Herb: I'm sorry, but that's really not in my hurgullington, so if you'd please just furton alaiso piddle it would help to fenny fenny montandle.
Ezmerelda: Well that just fucking sucks"

And my response



Dear Mr. Yoast,
My name is Todd Rickert. I am at this point a 24 year old nobody with more debt than money.
I am sorry your daughter has discovered the horrible truth of the internet. Yes that truth being that not every search turns out 100% relevant results 100% of the time.
As she stumbled across the webpage for my solo project, you can see there was little hope of anything being very relevant to her search in the first place.
As you have requested here's my best explanation as to why my existence has become known to you. The track Cranny Timdreff Helpline was spoken by a computer program, and as many bands great or small are inclined to do, I have provided the "lyrics" to the track on my website. Contained within that track were many funny sounding nonexistant words. From what you have pasted back to me Foani, Timdreff, Hurgullington, and Montandle top the list. Yoast sounded funny spoken by the computer. A lot of things sound funny spoken by a computer.
I assure you that these lyrics are NOT a cryptic call to arms against the Yoast family line. Nowhere do I rally my listener base to bring down the Yoasts.
With my music I've done worse things to myself than I ever could to anyone else. From the track "Todd Rickert Sucks" to a music video where my friends dumped a bottle of ketchup on my face, to my latest video where I dressed up in a hot dog costume and walked around in public, and also dumped a jar of apple sauce on my face. Shame and humiliation I know well.
I see no way that you can think a stranger half the country away has somehow managed to make a personal attack on you or anyone you know.
If you'd like I can provide you the tracks of the Cranny Timdreff Helpline and Todd Rickert Sucks, and you can tell me who gets insulted more between the two.
Please don't kill me,
-Todd



Maybe I was a bit of a cock? BUT I took the time to dignify this guy WITH a response, and not to mention he was only able to get in contact with me because of an email link I provided. Maybe I diffused it by proving that this guys concerns are invalid, or maybe I just made him more pissed off, we'll just have to wait and see, I guess.
 
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fart on my heart 
  division
 
12:29am 02/02/2006
  I pissed in a bottle.

Piss bottle man.

THIS ISN'T EVEN A COMMUNITY IT'S JUST WHERE I WRITE WHEN I ONLY WANT JOSH AND TODD TO READ IT.
 
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imperative 
  division
 
10:20pm 31/01/2006
 
mood: horny
I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THE REACTIONS OF FOURTH GRADE SECURITY RISK'S FANBASE WERE TO THE NEWS THAT DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR'S WIDOW, CORETTA SCOTT KING, DIED AT THE HANDS OF PONTIUS PILATE, WAS CRUCIFIED, DIED, AND WAS BURIED AND IN THREE DAYS WILL COME AGAIN TO JUDGE THE LIVING AND THE DEAD AND THE UNDEAD. It is for vital research.
 
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  thatsmyzarf
 
12:43am 29/01/2006
 
mood: hungry
Hey speaking of pieces of crap, look! It is a quote from NOT JUST A WOOD CHOPPER, but a Wood Chopper that was SO BAD it was cut from the Trilogy!!!!!!

"Canada
is in my back yard
I buried it with a shovel
It was still alive at the time
I just meant it as a joke
I didn't think they would arrest me
besides, everybody hates Canada
because they don't love us."

I didn't know I ever mumbled out those lyrics. It is like a premonition of Mix It Up!
 
     Post
 
saynaso 
  division
 
12:31am 27/01/2006
  SAYNASO!

Anthem for our generation or piece-of-crap?

YOU DECIDE 2004
 
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Not worthy 
  thatsmyzarf
 
01:59pm 23/01/2006
 
mood: horny
Hey holy shit another little blurb update on the FGSR site.
DINOSAUR TRACKS LYRICS ARE UP.
It was insane adding in the "br" code after I had typed them all up, I didn't think Mix It Up would end, I just pasted the "br" code, and hit the down arrow, and another repeated line would come up.
I hope you all appreciate my hard work. I am like a president for all this hard work I do.

Wait in my mood it says horny and it shows a smiley face. Horny isn't necessarilly a happy thing, what if it is inconvenient to be horny? It generally is for me! I am not smiling about it! It should be a face with one of those Charlie Brown mouths that go up and down because they are totally flabbergasted. Shit maybe I'll just see if they have a face for flabbergasted. No they don't. Here is that face.

xxxxx( (xx
x( )xxx) )x
xxxxx( (xx
x( )xxx) )x
xxxxx( (xx

Kinda.
 
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Mertch 
  thatsmyzarf
 
09:42pm 07/12/2005
 
mood: Lucid
Hiya guys, there are some new shirts and also holiday gift cards at the store! HAVE FUN BUYING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
 
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  division
 
02:01pm 05/12/2005
  vegetable beef stew  
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FGSR Happenings? 
  thatsmyzarf
 
12:55pm 22/11/2005
  Strange things are afoot in Fourth Grade Security Risk! First, when Todd Rickert queues up every FGSR track he has and removes the ones that are not songs and just talking, he discovers a dark secret: that he has recorded over 200 legitimate songs! Then thrill and intrigue run high as the FGSR website receives two new mysterious album companions. How will they fit in with the others? And what does this mean for the fate of The Wood Chopper Trilogy? Tune in Tuesdays at 9 before 24 on CBS!  
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Getting started. 
  thatsmyzarf
 
11:27am 17/11/2005
 
mood: okay
So once again Justin displays his worship of me. It is too bad the quiz has seemingly disappeared from quizland!
BTW:
Hey, what is up with people only watching this bitch? It seems to me that these people who are only "watching" this group don't have the SPINE to commit to becoming a member! Why is that even an option, anyway? You all really can JOIN we won't treat you unfairly!
Look out!
 
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Welp 
  division
 
02:14am 15/11/2005
  Hello! Welcome to the FOURTH GRADE SECURITY RISK LiveJournal community! I anticipate many warm discussions regarding FGSR as we sit around the hearth and sip herbal essences shampoo. Maybe the man himself TODD RICKERT will even post here sometime. In the meantime don't forget about the show this Friday night at the True Vine in Hampden. First 20 to arrive get to die in Hurricane Katrina!  
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